Welcome to

~ Midlife Madness – Setting Up Horsekeeping ~

The hilarious tale of one woman’s attempts to cope with equine challenges.

Warning! Do NOT buy a horse until you read this book!

Horsekeeping could lead you to lower your standard of living….
Or to participate in bizarre rituals.	Horses demand a lot of care.
You may lose your partner’s attention…	And discover that you can’t have just one.
The first sign….

Let me tell you, these clever ponies waste no time. They seize control of your life and before you know it, you find yourself chatting at cocktail parties about the quality of frozen stallion semen and the proper uses of equine artificial vaginas….

Here are some excerpts from “Midlife Madness”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time….”

“Many people lead orderly, well-planned lives. These persons of enviable control don’t have impulses to turn their lives upside down, or, if they do, they stifle the rascals. Should folks like this trip over an impulse lying in wait, they wrestle it to the ground, hog tie it, and stuff it in the back of the closet, under the gym clothes. I prefer to give impulses the benefit of the doubt, a little more rein, as it were. This approach can be a mixed blessing. You never know what that impulse has in mind.”

See what can happen?

“More than you want to know about breeding….”

“To get herself in the family way, a mare must to be in the mood – they call it receptive. Read, “Just show me that hot stud, baby, and I’ll blow his horny little mind!” Here’s the catch; while this horse hussy loves to advertise her receptiveness to the stallion in question, when it comes to letting you know, that information is classified. So how do you know when to send her off to her eager groom for the wedding? You measure the follicle. How do you do that? You do it by palpation. Which leads to Mr. Vet, up to his arm pit in my mare Silka, smiling brightly and telling us, “You’ve got a window of 36 hours for conception.” “Fine,” I think to myself. “What does he care? He doesn’t have to trailer this horse over on a ferry. On a holiday. AND drive 600 miles with a trainer named Tinkerbell. In the dark. To a foreign country!” Well, OK, Canada, but still…. “

photo coming soon

“Riding lesson – The Canter Depart….”

“.…so, this sweet mare canters a few strides and then announces, “Silka is stopping now!” At this point, her body language downshifts from “fast” to “stop,” totally skipping “slow.” Unfortunately, I can’t quite manage, “Peg is stopping now too.” Had I been better prepared, I would have yelled something more like, “Peg is flying over Silka’s head now and landing all over the place!” My trainer, Tinkerbell, is alarmed. She rushes over, crying, “Silka, are you all right?”

Caution – do not try this at home!

The culprit. Looks innocent, doesn’t she? Let that be a lesson….

And finally….

“Breaking the Ice – Midlife Madness Below Zero”

“Peg’s step by step guide to wintry watering:

1] Do not consider covering outside faucets to keep them from freezing. That’s for

sissies.

2] Even with a sloping driveway, making draining hoses an easy task,

let that idea slip your mind, leave hoses nicely coiled.

3] Discover four inches of ice in horse troughs. Pound on ice with stout garden stake.

Fracture stake. Seek heftier bludgeon to break ice. Open cherry-pit sized hole.

4] Search for plastic bucket used last in July; finally discover it under pile of

rugs in garage.

5] Fill bucket ½ full [water is heavy] with hot water, grab handle, drag across snow,

gravel, and down steps, making certain to slosh much of water on self and on path to troughs, so paths immediately freeze, ensuring thrilling future trips.

6] Attempt to lift bucket over 5 ½ -foot fence and pour cleanly into trough below,

emulating servers at fancy restaurants, who pour hot coffee into tiny cups from heights of five or six feet.

7] Realize you should have gone to server school, as most of water hits

edge of trough while stallion tries to drink it as you pour. [It was so cute when we taught him to drink from the hose….]

8] Repeat with Mama and filly. This is easier, you don’t have to try to pour from on high.

Instead you get to drag tub across frozen manure to trough.…

9] Meanwhile, attempt to keep Clark, the goat formerly known as Prince, from forcing

his entire head into the bucket you are dragging, causing water to spill down your legs into your shoes, instead of into the trough.

10] Repeat three times for each trough, until kitchen floor can’t be

distinguished from paddocks.

11] Knock ice off self while removing clothing in mud room, dash upstairs

in birthday suit Decide nudity is fine, since you appear to be wearing blue long-johns…. Change into dry garments.

12] Hear equine snickering from behind your back. Grind teeth. Consider making rude

gesture.

13] Hoping to improve on above technique, wash much smaller blue

plastic bucket lacking handles. Fill 3/4 full in house and carry it in your arms to high fence, attempting to minimize amount splashed down your front.

14] Lift and balance blue bucket on top rail of high fence.

15] Loose grip on container and drop it into trough, shattering bottom of

bucket.

16] Curse.

17] Find another reasonably clean bucket with good handle, scrub it and

try all of the above, discovering that handles make bucket easier to catch when it slips off fence. Pay no attention to bruises.

18] Wish you were 20 years younger.

19] Wonder whether you were out of your mind when you bought a horse.

20] Notice sweet filly nuzzling your ear, decide perhaps you were sane, after all.

21] Resolve that next barn will feature hot and cold running water.

Are we having fun yet?”

“Midlife Madness – Setting up Horsekeeping” will not appear on the shelves for a while. Be on the lookout. Be one of the first to get tears in your ears from lying in bed laughing hysterically while reading this book. [Try not to shake the bed - you could wake your spouse, who will already be grumpy because you snatched it up first.] Midlife Madness takes the reader on a madcap journey of equine adventures and surprises. Join me and learn how to train a stallion to make love to a telephone pole. No, seriously.

This web site is a work in progress. Visit often for more good laughs. For an inside look at the actual venue, visit www.fairpoint.net/~kffjord/ .

Thanks for visiting,

Peg Blackstone

[AKA Peg Knutsen]

Knutsen Fjord Farm

kffjord@hughes.net